NaNoWriMo and the revival of my notblog.

It’s been a crazy month, put it that way. My daily routine has been go to school, come home, write 2000 words, go to bed. It has all paid off now, as I have finished my first novel, The Pocket English Dictionary. I doubt you’ll see it for sale, but I get a free proof copy for winning NaNoWriMo, and I’m sure as heck taking a photo of me holding it grinning like a fool. I’ll probably put it up on Createspace too, so that you can buy a copy if you really want to. Not that anyone would want to read my book, I write like a horse. If by “horse” you mean “amalgam of Douglas Adams, Terry Pratchett and that other dude”, anyway.

Oh, and I wrote a massive post for a couple of forums I frequent below. It might be quite a good read if you haven’t done so already:

25 days
50 032 words
1 Novel
1 Very Satisfied Writer

That’s right. I’m done with NaNoWriMo for this year. It may not be the best thing I’ve ever written, it’s certainly got some of my favourite things I’ve ever written in it, but what have I learnt?

• I can write a 50 000 word novel in a month.
• I’m actually funny. I laughed out loud at some of the things I wrote, and I know it’s not just me because I’ve quoted lines at people, and they’ve laughed too.
• Procrastination is good. Not good if you never get around to it, but good if you take a break. The idea for my novel actually came while I was procrastinating from planning for my original idea.
• I can’t write a serious scene without inserting Shakespeare with a friggin’ rocket launcher.
• I am so sick of the name Nikolai
• I can write several thousand words worth of dialogue without using the letter “c”
• When writing an eccentric teenage character, I end up writing a caricature of myself. It’s interesting to see how much of myself is in one of the characters. He certainly says things I would.
• I have no grasp of minds that are not my own. And that’s a good thing.
• Novels are 90% filler. If you’re wondering why an author put something in there, chances are it’s to fill space.
• Novels are really hard to write. I have gained a lot of respect for novelists.
• I can write a 50 000 word novel in one month.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to listen to a celebratory “Still Alive”.

This was a triumph.
I’m making a note here, huge success…

 

Since I’ve been doing so much writing, I thought there might be a void in my life, so I’m officially reviving Regarding Ramblings, Ravings and Alliteration. I might post an extract on here, too. Peace out, guys.

Bandwidth Gremlins Part Three: In Which Plot Returns

The doll that was stuffed into Joe’s bag started flying around. Or it would have, if it wasn’t stuffed into a bag. It started making lots of noise, before it remembered that it had said it was going to do an escape plan. Said escape plan was to make the bag explode.

The bag exploded. Joe would have been upset because it was his favourite bag, but he had about five copies of it at home. The doll emerged from the smoke. “Howdy” said the doll, “I am your assigned weapons unit XJTF, but you can call me Keith. You’d be wrong, but you can still do it.”

“Okay, Keith, why did you blow up my bag?”

“I was trapped. It made sense”

“Okay…” said Joe, shortly before getting distracted and thinking about aeroplanes. He then realised that his story wasn’t getting anywhere. He went through his pockets. “Aha!” he said, taking out the small walkie-talkie with plot motifs. “Dr. Plot, I need you!” he shouted into it.

Meanwhile, five metres away, in the classroom, The Instructor was bored. No-one had come back yet, and he was starting to think that his Bandwidth Gremlins this year were a bit rubbish. He was obviously oblivious to Joe and Keith’s exploits outside. Therefore, it came as a surprise when Dr. Plot smashed through the window.

Joe and Keith were waiting impatiently outside for Dr. Plot to arrive and advance the storyline. “Maybe he’s never going to co-” said Joe before being interrupted by breaking glass. “Okay, let’s get out of here.”

Bandwidth Gremlins Part Two: Something Actually Happens in this One* (*Stuff happening not guarunteed)

After being handed the Plot Device from Dr. Plot, Joe made haste towards the tower he had to go to.  He made it there just before the data stream was released. It was incredibly lucky that he got there just before it was released, because there was a massive outburst of data that would have flooded the entire area. He twiddled the knobs and stuff (it’s not a sci-fi story, if you want technobabble, go and watch Dr. Who). It fixed the flooding. Joe, satisfied, went back to the classroom. He was the first to arrive there, and was just about to enter when the flying doll he’d been given as a partner started moving around in his bag.

The doll tried to get out, but it was trapped. “Emergency release five ecks two” heard Joe, from inside his bag.

‘Goshdarn,’ he thought ‘what crazy adventures will I get into because of this?’

Bandwidth Gremlins Part One Point Five: The Introduction of Plot (Doctor Plot, Specifically)

“… a superhero.” said the figure.

“A… a superhero?” Joe asked, he would have been literally brimming with skepticism but skepticism is an abstract noun, you see.

“Yes. I am a superhero. You can tell because I have a mysterious past that’s mostly a way to excuse the lazy author, but I also have a superpower.”

“What’s that?”

“I have super strength. Specifically the strength to break almost anything… Including the fourth wall.”

“Right,” said Joe, rolling his eyes. ‘Great, another crazy person’ he thought, ‘Gotta get out of here and actually do the mission.’

“My name…” said the Superhero, drawing the sentence out, and leaning slightly backwards, “Is Doctor Plot!” Dramatic music would have played. It was that tense a moment.

“That’s lovely,” answered Joe, “now please let me go and do my mission-assignment thing.”

“Be safe, citizen, for Doctor Plot protects you! Here, take this.” Doctor Plot handed Joe a small walkie-talkie with Plot-based motifs on it.

“What is it?”

“Can’t you tell, young child? You can use it to call me if you’re in trouble, but due to dramatic tension, it can only be used once.”

“Yes, but what is it?” asked Joe, impatiently.

“Oh, my dear Joe…” replied Doctor Plot, “You honestly can’t tell? It’s a…” another dramatic pause, “Plot Device!“

Bandwidth Gremlins, Part One: In Which Joe Learns Some Lessons Which Are Mostly Useless and There is a Cliffhanger at the End

“Alright, recruits. First mission time. All you have learnt in your pitifully short lives up until now has been preparing you for this moment.” said The Instructor. His real name was Steve, but everyone called him The Instructor. He would have legally changed his name to it, but there wasn’t really any need, it’s not like the Gremlins had government censuses or anything like it. “Your mission, is of course, to steal some data. We wouldn’t be the Bandwidth Gremlins if we didn’t steal data now, would we?”

“No, Mr. The Instructor, sir.” mumbled the class of twenty or so nervous teenage Gremlins who had been signed up to be Bandwidth Gremlins since before they were born by their parents and who were rather reluctant to steal data.

“And why else wouldn’t we be the Bandwidth Gremlins?” asked The Instructor

“If it wasn’t a really awesome name, Mr. The Instructor, sir.” mumbled the class again. The Instructor had thought it up himself. The data stealing branch of Gremlin Society used to be called the Information Recovery Team, but as soon as The Instructor was put in charge, that changed. It was a stupid name, he thought.

“Anyway! I digress,” he said, “your mission is to steal some data.” He was repeating himself. “Otherwise, we wouldn’t be the Bandwidth Gremlins!” He was repeating himself. “I have behind me a stack of envelopes, each with a duty inside. Rather than use a logical method of distribution which caters to everyone’s strengths, I thought we’d play a little game. I’ll call you up one by one, you’ll be partnered off with a random classmate, and then you will take an envelope. Sound fun? It doesn’t matter, because it’s going to be fun for me, at least!” The Instructor laughed at this. He was that sort of person, the kind that laughs at their own jokes when their own jokes aren’t actually funny in the slightest. “Alright, Joe, you’re up first.” Joe didn’t come up. This was because he happened to be not in the class, but instead just outside the building, thirty floors down. “Okay, seeing as Joe’s decided not to join us, how about you, Rusty?” Rusty was not the brightest Gremlin ever to have lived, put it that way. He was the bully with a heart of gold type, except for the fact if he had a heart made of gold, he’d be dead because there’d be no way for oxygen to reach his vital organs and the cells would die. Rusty went up to the front and was asked to spin The Wheel of Partners. He did so. After what seemed like 30 seconds (mostly because it was), the wheel landed on Konnor. Konnor did not get along with Rusty. In fact, Konnor didn’t get on with anyone. It wasn’t that he was a bad person, more that he hated everything, not in an active way, just a general loathing and world weariness that teenagers are liable to get.

The process continued on for a few more minutes, with Joe still absent, and others being called up to the front. Gremlins were paired off and given an envelope. They discussed their missions, asked what their best friend got, said “awww” when they found out that their friends’ missions were so much better and they wished that they could have got that one. Just as the last pair was being given an envelope, the door burst open. Joe ran in, his schoolbag flailing behind him. “I see you decided that we were worth your time after all, Joe.” remarked The Instructor.

“I’m sorry I’m late, Uncle Steve.” The Instructor tried his hardest to ignore this. Joe was the only person who refused to call The Instructor by his “proper” name. Even Joe’s father, The Instructor’s brother, called him The Instructor.

“Please come to the front and spin the Wheel of Partners, Joe.”

“But there’s no-one left for me to partner with!” came the response

“Just spin the stupid wheel, Joe.” The Instructor could not be doing with Joe’s stupid antics at the moment. When Joe span the wheel, The Instructor just grabbed it and stopped it on the Booby Prize option.

“There’s a booby prize partner?”

“For you, yes. Your partner is this flying doll thing I found. Here’s your envelope. Hurry up and go to your mission, there’s a good lad.”

Joe left the room, holding the doll and the envelope. He absent mindedly wandered down the stairs, and was starting to go home when he remembered that he had a mission to do. He opened the envelope.

“Your mission is to infiltrate Bandwidth Sector V-X 27, unlock the door and monitor the data stream to make sure it doesn’t flood the building. Your mission is a crucial one. Don’t mess it up.”

Just as Joe looked up from the paper, he almost bumped into a tall figure wearing a cape and mask. He started to walk around the figure, but was stopped. “Hello,” said the figure, “I am…”

So I totally didn’t write a song about TF2

And I’m not promoting it everywhere I go on the interwebs.

Totally.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UYL8il9y41U

I mean, that link probably doesn’t do anything. It’s probably a rickroll. I wouldn’t listen to it if I were you.

Coming Soon: Bandwidth Gremlins

So… the half decent content I promised!

He’s totally not the main character. His name is totally not Joe and he is totally not one of the titular Bandwidth Gremlins.

Definitely.

Dr. J. Nerricman, At your service, part three.

Chapter Three!

Dr. Nerricman was fighting the enemies when suddenly, he died horribly in a fire.

As did everyone else in the story, because it is absolutely terrible. It is intentionally so, of course, but I really hate it. I hate it hate it hate it. That wasn’t the idea. The idea was to string people along and then reveal that I’m actually not an awful writer, but golly gosh, the intentional typos made me feel dirty. In fact, I feel dirty for having written it at all. The only thing I like about it is the name, and I didn’t even come up with that for the story.

In short, I am so sorry. Expect an actual half decent story soon, all one readers. I’m also sorry for not updating this in ages.

Dr. J. Nerricman, At your service, Part Two

Cahpter two!!!

“I will fight the enemies!” said Dr. Nerricman, from his secrert base he had on the moon. He had motorbiked there just a few minutes ago. “Mr. Kiosk,” give me the data on the enemies!

“Okay.” said Mr. Kiosk. “They are a evil race of enemies called the Destroyers of Doom. They have come to destroy earth!”

“Just what I feared. They wont destroy earth on my watch!” said Dr. Nerricman before shotgunning another enemie that had got into his moonbase “Damn” he said “need to fight some more. Beam me down Mr. Kiosk!”

Chapter three coming soon!

I feel the time is right to say this…

I am a superhero.

I understand this might be hard to get to grips with, but I am. Honest! I have two superpowers, actually, and I’ve been pretty angsty sometimes, so I fit the superhero make up perfectly! I just need a lycra costume, and I’ll be set. My superpowers are thusly: I can come up with really sad ending sequences to serieses/films easily, and then want to cry afterwards. The other superpower I have is destroying lamps. I have managed to use this on four evil lamps so far (I assume they were evil because a superhero wouldn’t destroy innocent lamps), three of which exploded, and one of which fell over and almost started a fire (I’m actually being completely honest here: all four of those lamps have been destroyed by me, accidentally, or so I thought.) Obviously, since I know how to control my power and which lamps are evil or not, I must have evil lamp senses.

Please, help me hide my identity!